A Man’s Guide to Loving and Living with a Menopausal Woman
This may be TMI (Too Much Information) but as a woman who has just begun her pre-menopausal journey, I felt the need mark this rite of passage with a few helpful (and humorous) hints for men who may be living with and/or loving, if not hating, a woman who is currently on or about to embark upon the same voyage.
Are you a pre-menopausal/menopausal woman struggling with mood swings, hot flashes, insomnia, frequent urination, irregular menstrual cycles, decreased libido, depression, forgetfulness, flatulence/indigestion, gastrointestinal distress, episodes of loss of balance, hair loss/thinning, vaginal dryness? Do you feel old, dispensable, doomed, angry, irritable, weak, uncomfortable in your own skin (literally), fatigued, anxious, disoriented? Do you have night sweats, cold sweats, incontinence, itchy, crawly dry skin, heart palpitations? Are you experiencing breast pain/tenderness, painful/uncomfortable sexual relations, bloating, weight gain, increased unwanted facial hair (wolf-man syndrome), trouble concentrating, feelings of doom, memory lapses, aching/sore joints, muscles or tendons and/or any midlife existential anguish? If so, and if you think this might help your loved one, feel free to print it off, tape/staple it to their forehead, or simply send them the link to my blog.
So what am I doing wrong?
Everything! If your wife or partner is entering menopause and you are clueless about how to help her, you are not alone. You probably feel like you’re wrong, no matter what you do (most likely talking wayyy too much and saying all the wrong things when you do open your mouth). The truth is, most husbands/partners want to be supportive, but they aren’t sure where to start. Well, that’s why I’m here. Let’s start with this.
25 Things men should NOT say to a pre-menopausal/ menopausal woman. At least not if they expect to live through the night!
Don’t say...or she might say...
1. Him: It’s not hot in here. You must be having another one of those hot flashes!”
Her: IT IS HOT IN HERE and I AM HAVING A DAMN HOT FLASH! Now turn UP the A/C and SHUT UP ALREADY!
2. Him: Are you going to the bathroom AGAIN?
Her: YES I”M GOING AGAIN! Who are you the freakin’ Bladder Police???
3. Him: Why are you being so sensitive?
Her: Why are you so STUPID?
4. Him: You are being irrational! Just relax!
Her: I am being perfectly rational and I will relax when I damn feel like it or whenever you leave...whichever comes first!
5. Him: Why don’t you just go to the doctors and get a refill on your Prozac prescription?
Her: Why don’t you go to hell?
Him: You first!
Her: I vacation there!!!
6. Him: Maybe you should tie a ribbon around your finger so you can remember something for a change.
Her: I will! Then maybe I won’t forget to tie a rope around your throat and strangle you in your sleep tonight!
7. Him: You are so moody!
Her: Yo momma!
8. Him: Did you pee in the bed or did you have a night sweat?
Her: Did you get dropped on your head as a baby or were you born with that lumpy head?
9. Him: You’re crazy!
Her: I’ll show you crazy!
10. Her: I’m going to the salon to get an eyebrow wax.
Him: Good! Get that beard and mustache waxed while you’re at it!
Her: She won’t say anything. She will go to the nearest Walgreens, CVS or Rite-Aid on her way home, buy a home waxing kit and later that night, when you are in a deep, comfortable sleep, she will crouch down between your legs and she will give your family jewels a job...a hot wax job that is!
11. Him: It’s been more than a week since we had sex!
Her: Yeah but it’s been less than 24 hours since I told you to go screw yourself! How time flies!
12. Him: I don’t even know who you are these days!
Her: I am the woman whose LAST nerve you manage to work, every time you open your mouth!
13. Him: This menopause stuff is all in your head!
Her: Wow, that’s incredible sweetie....You can see what’s going on in my head but I don’t see anything going on in yours!
14. Him: Why are you so tired all the time? Maybe you should take some vitamins.
Her: Why are you so “dysfunctional”? Maybe you should take the Little Blue Pill!
15. Him: Aren’t you too young to be going through menopause?
Her: Aren’t you too old to be so STUPID?
16. Him: How long am I going to have to put up with you and this menopause thing?
Her: Not long...I cleaned my gun and bought more bullets today!
17. Him: Why are you being such a B@#$%?
Her: I don’t know...Probably for the same reasons you are!
18. Him: I’m going out to find me a young woman, who doesn’t have all of these issues!
Her: Okay baby...good idea! Oh by the way, be sure to give me a courtesy call on your way home...I might have some young stud muffin company coming through! One that can make me feel like a woman again!
19. Her: Oh Lawd, I’m flashing again!
Him: You always get hot flashes...that’s nothing new!
Her: You always sound like an idiot...that’s nothing new either!
20. Him: You need to calm down!
Her: And you need to kiss my A$$!
21. Him: Are we EVER going to have sex again?
Her: Not if you keep talking!
22. Him: Why are you always in such a bad mood?
Her: Because you are ALWAYS here!
23. Him: Did you gain weight?
Her: Let’s make a deal. You don’t talk about my extra weight and I won’t talk about your lack of! (Note: She says this while looking down at your crotch and rolling her eyes).
24. Him: Why are you crying AGAIN?
Her: Why are you TALKING AGAIN?
25. Him: Menopause is not the end of the world! Get over it already!
Her: No it’s not. But if you keep it up...this could be the end of yours! Now get over that!
Fellas, I think you get the point. I hope I made both the men and women reading this laugh with the above scenarios but it’s really no laughing matter.
This is a time of great turmoil for your woman. Some of the changes that she encounters are going to be extremely uncomfortable, confusing, frustrating and downright scary at times…for both of you. The only other time she has probably felt more like an alien is when/if she was pregnant. You don’t have to understand it all. You don’t have to have all the answers. Instead try doing your own research and then show her some compassion. Ignoring her, being insensitive, dismissing her feelings (whether real or imagined in your eyes) or becoming over bearing will only exacerbate the situation.
It's important for her to have a partner with whom she can openly communicate. So put yourself in her shoes for a minute and think about how you would feel if your every thought or emotion were dismissed as if it meant nothing.
During the times when you think she is behaving irrationally, remember that she's not crazy and just be quiet! My momma always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” That rule still applies…especially in times like these!
Reassure her as often as you can that you love her, show her that she can count on you and let her know that you understand this may be a trying time for her but you want to do whatever you can to help her through the transition.
Simply…try a little tenderness!
I did get a laugh from this but I feel extremely puzzled because it was laughter of fear!!!!
ReplyDelete@clfinest - Thank your for following. Don't be puzzled, I think it's pretty common to laugh out of fear. Strange but common. Maybe it's one way our body responds to some type of chemical change in the brain that is triggered when we're in stressful situation or when we think about one. Sometimes you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Lol.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! I am now CLEAR that I am pre-menopausal!!! I had never thought about it, but I have all of the things you listed except vaginal dryness (thank GOD!!!). And I agree with all 25 items on this list.
ReplyDeleteMelanie White