The older I get, the more I feel compelled to share what
little knowledge/wisdom I have, with those around me. Young people in
particular. Not in a preachy or “do as I
say” kind of way. But in a “Here’s what
I’ve learned for myself, for my life…take from it what you can and what you
will” kind of way.
“Love should be like breathing. It should be just a quality in you --
wherever you are, with whomsoever you are, or even if you are alone, love goes
on overflowing from you. It is not a
question of being in love with someone -- it is a question of being love. People are frustrated
in their love experiences, not because something is wrong with love...
they narrow down love to such a point that the ocean of love cannot remain
there. You cannot contain the ocean -- it is not a small stream; love is your
whole being -- love is your godliness. ~ Osho”
That quote resonates with me and young people I encourage
you to grasp this concept sooner than later.
For most of my teenage and young adult life, I was looking for someone
to be in love with. I grew up in a two
parent, two sibling, middle class, suburban, family. I was loved and adored by family and friends. LOL!!!
Okay maybe not “adored” but loved to say the least. My parents, loving, supportive and
hard-working, were married in their early twenties and remain married 43 years
later. I never expected NOT to have that
kind of life for myself as I grew up. I
also never expected to be married with child at 20 and a divorced, single momma
with another child on the way by 25.
Life was supposed to be like a fairy tale. Like one of the many Harlequin romance novels
I had read or chick flicks I watched on TV.
Wasn’t it??? I was supposed to meet the man of my dreams, be swept off
my feet and live happily ever after. Wasn’t
I?
My husband was supposed to adore me for sure and love me unconditionally
the way my Daddy does. He was supposed
to be a devoted husband and provider. Romantic,
strong, tall, handsome, rich, educated, funny and fun to be around. He was artistic, caring, supportive,
humanitarian, giving, gentle, charismatic and simply dreamy. He never lied to me or even looked at another
woman. He never broke my heart or
disappointed me. He got along with all
my girlfriends and his friends were a delight to be around. He always called when he was supposed to, he
never came home late and he would rather be with me than with his friends. He brought me flowers all the time, just
because, and he spoiled me rotten on Valentine’s Day, my birthday and of course
on Christmas. He was a magnificent lover
and pleasing me was his only ambition when it came to our love making. He massaged my feet, loved reading every poem
I ever wrote and he laughed at all my jokes.
When he walked in the room, I got butterflies and I heard music
play. He was never in a bad mood and he
never needed his own space. He liked
what I liked and we did everything together.
We never argued or disagreed on anything. He was never inconsiderate or selfish. He never took me for granted and he told me
he loved at least 2 times a day. All day
long, all he did was try to come up with new ways to make me happy and he was
supposed to anticipate my every need before I even verbalized it. Right???
Uhhhh….NOOOOT! I’m
exhausted just reading that list. What was
I thinking?
Here’s what I learned…Life was (is) supposed to be just as
it was, based on the choices I made and situations I put myself in. Rather than acknowledge, accept and embrace
the consequence of my decisions, I spent years trying to figure out why the
Universe was plotting against me, why I was a single mother, why I couldn’t
find a husband worthy of me, why God was letting this happen to me, why my
dreams had been demolished, blah, blah, blah.
Rather than work on what needed healing in me, I wasted time feeling
sorry for myself and blaming everyone else.
Me, me, me! Bottom line…Rather
than loving myself and being the love I so desperately wanted and already had,
I ran from relationship to relationship, pinning my crazy expectations of what
I THOUGHT love and being “in love” was supposed to be like. I held on so tightly that I’m sure some of
the men in my life felt like they couldn’t breathe or live up to my
expectations so they left or I left them once I became frustrated. I was so wrapped up in my emotions, thoughts
and love story movie reels playing in my head that when they did leave I
thought I couldn’t breathe without them. When it didn’t work out, when they cheated or
left or drifted away, I was devastated.
But not before I listened to depressing ass love songs for hours on end,
dreamimg of what coulda, shoulda, woulda been and tortured myself like no one else
could.
Over time, I expected them all to be the same so I
figured why even bother. I figured
something must be wrong with them and I was determined not to feel the pain
again. So I closed myself off from
showing any real emotion or allowing myself to get to close to anyone. It’s called baggage and it’s real. Yeah I still dated but one infraction and I
was cutting their behind off quick. When
things didn’t go quite the way I pictured in my head, I was outta there. And if I gave someone half a shot and they
did live up to my expectations (all the negative ones of course), I was back at
square one. I was disillusioned with
love, yet love hadn’t done anything wrong.
I was so attached to the illusion that I couldn’t see the forest for the
trees and I was miserable! I was creating my own misery.
Look, all I’m saying is that it’s easy to go to one extreme
or the other when it comes to our expectations.
Sure you should set the standard for how you are willing to be treated
(with care, honesty and respect) but you can’t make anyone do anything. Not with demands or ultimatums, not by having
babies or having temper tantrums. Not by
running into the arms of someone else and expecting them to fix everything
that’s broken in you. Not by willing it
to be or praying in a closet for hours.
Wikipedia says that an expectation is a belief that is centered on the
future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to
the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected
it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another
person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or
an order.
There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. For instance, I expect that if I walk 5 miles
a day for the next 30 days, I will lose weight. I expect that if I drop a cinder block on my
bare foot, I will be in pain. Most of
you would probably agree that those are pretty good expectations to have. Conversely, if I said that I expect that my
children will follow all of the house rules and never break one. Or I expect that I can walk in to the office
tomorrow and punch my boss dead in the face, there won’t be any consequences,
and you would probably think I’m crazy.
So you see, it’s not the actual expectation (although it can
be) that’s the problem. We all have
expectations on some level, of ourselves and others, and expectations are fine
as long as they are reasonable and kept in perspective. That’s not settling. That’s simply the reality of life. People will hurt you and disappoint you. Life
happens. But it’s how you perceive life
happening that makes all the difference. I truly believe that it is our ATTACHMENT
to those EXPECTATIONS that gets us in trouble and causes feelings of disappointment. That can be dangerous…especially when it
comes to our relationships with others, no matter the type of relationship.
You can’t expect someone to love you back or be your
everything. You can’t expect someone
else to fill that empty place that resides in you. And you can’t even teach someone how to love
you best if you don’t love yourself. That
goes for your boyfriend/girlfriend, son/daughter, mother/father, sister/brother
and even your friends. YOU are responsible
for your own happiness.
Love is a beautiful thing. It’s what we are here to do and be to one
another. Be love and let it flow from and to you. Regardless of the type of relationship you
are having with others, or yourself.
It’s not a bargaining chip to be used for your own
self-gratification. I think we all need
to think less about what we expect to get from love and think more about
what we can bring to love.
Expect that like a river, there will be ebbs and flows. In a romantic relationship, it’s okay to allow
yourself to get caught up in the momentary “high” when you feel yourself falling
madly “in love” and enjoy it. It’s an
amazing feeling. Almost indescribable,
though we have all tried to put it in to words.
But stay in the moment. Don’t over think it. Most of that is based on brain chemistry
anyway. Be centered enough that when
that feeling no longer exist at its original strength (b/c it will happen) you
can still see and be love. If the
relationship doesn’t work out for whatever reason, you know you can still
“breathe” because YOU ARE LOVE. You never stopped being love.
Stop expecting that every relationship is the only
relationship you will ever have, that it will end in marriage or some long-term
commitment, or that you’re life depends on it.
It’s probably not, it may or may not and your existence doesn’t depend
on it. Not every romantic relationship
will work the way you expect it to and NO relationship you have or relationship
you see is perfect. That only happened
in fairly tales and Baby, life is much more complex than that. That’s not me being negative, that’s just
life and it’s the truth. Not everyone is
going to love you the way you love them.
But be love anyway. The one you
find yourself in love with may be the love of your lifetime or maybe they won’t. No one can predict the future, especially in
the beginning of a relationship during the “honeymoon” phase when in your head,
all is right with the world. So stop
trying to be a fortune teller. If it
works the way you want it to, that’s great.
But even if the relationship doesn’t live up to your expectation, that
doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you are not worthy. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It doesn’t mean that the other person is a
bad person or that there’s something wrong with love. But
there may be something wrong with your expectation of what love is. Maybe what you thought was love was something
else. Maybe the way you or the other
person has learned how to love isn’t compatible with your type of love. Just give love, yourself and the other
person the time needed to grow and enjoy the moment. Don’t be a rush to get to the finish line or
you may miss all the beautiful moments in between. Just as some seeds planted grow abundantly
into beautiful trees, flowers or fruit, some don’t make it. Some make it through the season, never to
return. Some come back year after year. It’s okay.
Lessons learned. Next time give
it more Sun or less, more water or less, and try again.
Last thoughts…Kisses are not contracts and sex is not equal
to love. Sex is one form of expressing your love for another being. It’s a shared connection between two people
or more. It’s a transference of energy so
be careful when and with home you share your energy. But don’t use it as a weapon or negotiation tool. That’s not love. If you can’t give it freely, like any other
expression of love, without expecting something in return, keep it to yourself. And don’t demand it or expect it of
another. If someone isn’t willing to
share that part of themselves in that moment, maybe they’re not ready, maybe
there’s another need that needs to be met first. Be love and let their love flow to you in
their time, not your own.
I’m no expert on this and I certainly don’t have all the
answers, but I have come to the realization that in order to experience love on
a super natural level, I had to let go of the illusion of what I thought love
was supposed to look, smell, feel, or sound like and simply BE love…without
limitation…without EXPECTATION.
